Saturday, December 20, 2008
Hurt
It's a perfect perfected vicious cycle. Trust me, I am not anymore free even when Danzation is over. My everydae is packed once the performance is over and appointments come flooding at me. Seriously, can't I just have time to think? I not only want time to sleep but also to rest well too. I can't seem to find a secured place to sleep, rest and just close my eyes to nap. My heart and head is spinning and so heavy now. My back and knee hurts but I don't think I have time to do anything until next year, which I hope I can find time as well.
God, is it only when we die then we rest in peace? LOLS. Eh, I'm not trying to be sadist. But I really wanna rest. Physically and mentally. It never ends, really. Just a vicious cycle. Once something is over, another comes and sweeps me off my feet and I can't seem to find a solution and when I do find one, another one pops by and say hi. Just kill me, will ya? But the fucking fact is that these stuff are killing me slowly but it doesn't end up killing me. RAR. I wanna run away. Trust me, give me an air ticket now and I promise to disappear from this world of mine. I will go to a new place where no people know me and I will enjoy the perfect silence of being alone.
Why do I have to work so hard? Why do I have to be so tired? Why do I have to feel this way? Why do I have to always say sorry when it has become a habit? Like even if it's not my fault, I say it for being polite. =.= Even my friends also say it has become a habit and they find it funny. Why is everything so out of place? Why? Am I the one out of place? Zzz. RAR. Okays, enough of me ranting. I'm not going to think now. I'm not going to say what I feel because what I feel might not be what I really feel. I'm just plain tired. I want to rest but I can't. It's not only about sleep I guess. I need that peace of mind. Perhaps I should go MIA for one week. My mind is in a fluster. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't wanna hurt myself again. I am not going to do anything now to break the balance, until I realise what the problem is. Because I know, even when I realise the problem, more problems will come by and say hello again. Fuck, I just wanna love the world I am in, love everyone around me and love you with a whole perfect heart. I really do. But it's so ugh. I don't know what to say.
Believe me, I'm not going to do anything but I will try to find my way back. If it gets worse and anyone choose to leave me, then by all means. I have no right to ask anyone to stay for my sake and no courage to fight for anyone to stay. It has been like that in my past 17 years of life, so ya. I don't wanna be the pathetic little girl crying out but no one cared and still left her again. I just wanna rant everything out but no time eh, I'm going to be late for dance later. =.= Damn it.
Please, hug me tight and tell me everything will be fine. Be it anyone. I just need a shoulder. Don't reject me. Even when I ask my mum to tui my back, she have to say that I am a trouble for her, though she still anyhow tui in the end. =.= God, am I suffering from depression? But I don't think people suffering from depression will realise that they are suffering from it rights? I am crazy. Do pardon me because this is me and it's all I am.
9:24 PM
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Memories
Actually, I have been thinking about how the past have affected me and I don't know why it comes back like a nightmare. Just sometimes, I feel guilty to have these nightmares. Jo, it's time to move on (nah, actually I have moved on) and erase all of those memories. It did changed you, it made you what you are today and you can't change it. You know it. But just, don't do anything silly to lose the one you wanna hold on to now. You make choices in your life, it might be a mistake and you learn from it. The mistake might be for short term but it affects you from then on till your life ends because it happened. You also make correct choices in your life, if you know it is correct, then hold on to it, uphold and behold it until one day when it leaves. There's nothing much to do except creating beautiful memories and cherishing what you chose. I really hope it will last.
Jo, you know you are reliving it because you are going to forget about it soon. It's just like a drug, you need to go through it again to show that you are over it. I guess the one last thing I need to go through is to see him again. Once that is over, it's really over. But you need fate to allow you to see him again though. Kinda funny. I just wanna know how he is doing and perhaps, just show him that I'm surviving well now. At least I learnt my lesson, scored relatively okay and went to somewhere due to fate. Am currently taking a different module trying hard to score my AD. xD
I'm sorry for being the way I am. I'm trying hard to leave all of those nightmares behind. However, it did make part of me today. So ya, it's contradicting. I will try to modify it as much as possible. Just like a car accident, you get scars; it will fade but it remains. You get repercussion; it haunts but it can be overcomed. It's the healing process now. The scars faded, and I need you to help me get over the repercussion. At least I found someone whom I regard as the Skye I am looking for. I still remember the times when I stupidly fooled around just trying desperately to find a soul whom I can relate to. In the end, I hurt another person. My bad okays? Really. It's an after effect. A vicious cycle. Oh I like that word. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HEY, I learn from Geography okays. Human geog., my favourite. I miss my days in Nan Hua Dance Society. =D I shouldn't say I miss my secondary school days because it is kinda typical, weird and you-know-it. =) Yea, nothing much to reminisce too. Haha, secondary school is important. It makes you, shapes you and decides your future. So, I'm bringing my children overseas to study ya? Don't ask where I get the money to migrate and that apartment at Dhoby. It's a secret. 'Cuz someone have to rob the bank for that. xD
I must thank the one above for everything that happened to me. Be it bad or good, because you need the bad to realise the good. Thanks for blessing me alrights? =) ilovemyboy <3
12:04 AM
Monday, December 08, 2008
=)
to put it simply, i love that boy. =D i just love the way we are now. though we don't see each other every now and then but i just like it this way. then we are not too sticky and stil can keep in contact while maintainin that simple loveliness and not quarrelling. am gald that we always talk things out and my heart seems to hav settled. not thinking about random stuff and doubting my feelings. kinda great actuali. i hope this continues for long.
ya, it might seem that everyone around is breaking up and having probs but i hope they wil get better and i shouldnt b bothered by it. i can stand bside and help and giv advice. =) i'm always here alrights?
notice the laziness to type well. yea i'm a lazy ass. i will try to maintain my results. i hope i can though i am stil worried about it but yea 船到桥头自然直. it's smth i can do my best but i wont know the overall results ya. oh well. shant explain much cuz i lazy too. be it i make it clear or not. but in anyway, i dun work hard; i work smart ^^. no la, but actuali i'm not workin hard enough. yea, well, ya u noe. the usual thing.
stil stil stil. i just tink that i'm not such a good girl to be worthy of my boy. =) haha. i noe u dun like me to say it again but ya, u noe i cant help but feel dis way. it's just a feelin and ya. i wil try my best okaes? i cant giv u the world but trust me, u hav the best of what i can giv in my world. i said it b4, loving u like i did in the past is not possible bcuz i was so hurt but now, it's the improved, modified and perfected version okaes? so it will be a different perfect love. =D i try my best. <3
9:09 AM
oanna