Saturday, December 20, 2008
Hurt
It's a perfect perfected vicious cycle. Trust me, I am not anymore free even when Danzation is over. My everydae is packed once the performance is over and appointments come flooding at me. Seriously, can't I just have time to think? I not only want time to sleep but also to rest well too. I can't seem to find a secured place to sleep, rest and just close my eyes to nap. My heart and head is spinning and so heavy now. My back and knee hurts but I don't think I have time to do anything until next year, which I hope I can find time as well.
God, is it only when we die then we rest in peace? LOLS. Eh, I'm not trying to be sadist. But I really wanna rest. Physically and mentally. It never ends, really. Just a vicious cycle. Once something is over, another comes and sweeps me off my feet and I can't seem to find a solution and when I do find one, another one pops by and say hi. Just kill me, will ya? But the fucking fact is that these stuff are killing me slowly but it doesn't end up killing me. RAR. I wanna run away. Trust me, give me an air ticket now and I promise to disappear from this world of mine. I will go to a new place where no people know me and I will enjoy the perfect silence of being alone.
Why do I have to work so hard? Why do I have to be so tired? Why do I have to feel this way? Why do I have to always say sorry when it has become a habit? Like even if it's not my fault, I say it for being polite. =.= Even my friends also say it has become a habit and they find it funny. Why is everything so out of place? Why? Am I the one out of place? Zzz. RAR. Okays, enough of me ranting. I'm not going to think now. I'm not going to say what I feel because what I feel might not be what I really feel. I'm just plain tired. I want to rest but I can't. It's not only about sleep I guess. I need that peace of mind. Perhaps I should go MIA for one week. My mind is in a fluster. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't wanna hurt myself again. I am not going to do anything now to break the balance, until I realise what the problem is. Because I know, even when I realise the problem, more problems will come by and say hello again. Fuck, I just wanna love the world I am in, love everyone around me and love you with a whole perfect heart. I really do. But it's so ugh. I don't know what to say.
Believe me, I'm not going to do anything but I will try to find my way back. If it gets worse and anyone choose to leave me, then by all means. I have no right to ask anyone to stay for my sake and no courage to fight for anyone to stay. It has been like that in my past 17 years of life, so ya. I don't wanna be the pathetic little girl crying out but no one cared and still left her again. I just wanna rant everything out but no time eh, I'm going to be late for dance later. =.= Damn it.
Please, hug me tight and tell me everything will be fine. Be it anyone. I just need a shoulder. Don't reject me. Even when I ask my mum to tui my back, she have to say that I am a trouble for her, though she still anyhow tui in the end. =.= God, am I suffering from depression? But I don't think people suffering from depression will realise that they are suffering from it rights? I am crazy. Do pardon me because this is me and it's all I am.
9:24 PM
oanna