Tuesday, January 06, 2009
At brink.
Yes, I am listening to classical music now to relieve my stress. Why didn't I choose those chanting sutras, simply because that I an scared that if I play that as loud speaker, I will attract unnecessary trouble. Yes, I have this fear within me. I cannot identify it, it's been with me for long, especially when I am alone at night and able to think of stuff alone. It's a fear, fear to be alone and a fear to not acknowledge that there might just be someone of a different world watching me. I wonder if it's my own hallucinations or what. Please, I want to have a peace of mind. Just leave me. Or is it that I should see a psychiatrist? But I am just tired of all of these shit. Please, leave me alone. I want a new environment.
I am stressed up. And the fucking fact is that I have to push myself to suit the flavour of others. Why? Why do I have to work so hard? Why do I have to be envious of others? Why do I have to change myself to suit others? Why do I have to push myself so far? Why do I have to think about the future?
I don't want to live in the past and having those memories that haunt me. Those scary ones, painful ones and hurtful ones. PLEASE GO AWAY. I only wanna cherish the nice ones, sweet ones and beautiful ones. Maybe it's time to change how I look at things. I don't have to be as pragmatic as I used to be. Perhaps, this ghost inside my heart can also go away. I know it's you, tiny winy little evil thing. Go please. Find another owner. Don't haunt me in the night and make me scared and worry about those stuff that might not come or even happen.
I want to sleep peacefully, have my dreams about handsome boys or even with my boy. I want to look at people straight, I don't want to look at things with a thin glass of mirror within. Even when I look at my boy, I have this feeling that he is so far, not because he is far but because I think I might leave him eventually. Get this clear, how the fuck are you going to leave him when he is so special and close to you. Can't you just love him fully already and dedicate your life to him? Fuck you jo, why do you have to always look at your palm lines and wonder which line you are going to choose? Why are you always signing and pondering? FUCK IT. Just live your life as it is and who cares where it leads to as long as you enjoy this moment of your life? Why do you have to care about external stuff and make your life so difficult? If there is only one source of trouble, that would be your own mind. It's you who put those burden on your shoulder. You could have said no. You could have simply just enjoy a normal poly life with cca and boyfriend. How the fuck did you manage to stress yourself with those extra modules. Sounds dope when you say to people ya, but do you know how much it takes to be there? I want to be paris hilton. So what if I'm a bitch? I am rich. Simple as that. Then I don't have to worry about life and I'm on my heels to Europe.
Hmmmmm. Classical music do help. Yea, I'm not gonna think anymore. I stand strong and stay strong. If anything were to confront me in this life or haunt me in the night, I'm not going to be scared, I will face it with my everything. Trust me, I am crazy. Crazier than anyone you can think of and yet maintain a stable mind. LOLS. I find myself dope and that is final. XD
I swear to god and whoever that is blessing me I will love LIM WEI LIANG this life and never turn my back against him. I will love him with all my heart and never doubt him. I will never look at him with a different eye and will support him as I can. I will try to teh but not change my personality. I will dedicate my life to his and stay with him forever as promised. This time I don't care about the fact that forever is not possible and whatever heartbreaks that I will end up with. I will mingle with his family and treat them as mine. =D I will do everything I can to be beside him. If any girl tries to be funny, you are going to get it from me. =X But I am still a nice lady aye? <3333><
Lastly, I swear to god and whoever that is blessing me that I will take good care of myself and will not think so much. I will take care of my body so as to dance while I can, I will take care of my mind so as to stay pure and kind from this polluted world. I will share my fortune and bless others with what I have, though it might not be a lot and not financially at all. I will take care of my family even whatever happens at all costs. I will not forsake anyone in my life. Most importantly, I will never forsake myself. I will find time to rest and catch up. I will not run non stop everytime. If necessary, I must learn to give up. In this life, I might have lost a lot and gained a lot. I do not deny that I am afraid to lose what I have currently. However, I promise to stay brave and strong, believe in myself and never run away from reality because it is the worst thing a human can do. I stand strong and I stay strong. =)
Thank god and whoever that is blessing me. =)
5:03 AM
oanna